• Rieni Jola

Confessions of a Single Mom: Tears For Years


Two years into the rollercoaster that is motherhood, I've learned that one thing you can always count on are the waterworks. Anytime, anywhere and for any reason.





Tonight I asked my loved ones if I could sneak out of the house to attend a poetry event.


No one was available...


Typical.


These people have their own lives? Why should they help me with mine?

My response?


I cried


Like a teenage girl who was told she couldn't go out on a school night, I sobbed in my bedroom with the door closed and used my hands to muffle my displeasure.


*Insert crying Jerry meme here*

Don't worry, It's totally okay to laugh at my pain, I do it all the time.


Anyways. I felt silly. The truth is, the tears didn't come because I couldn't go to the poetry event.


The tears came because I couldn't go to the poetry event, I can't go to the upcoming Halloween party I was invited to, this morning I finally had the motivation to go for a run but was quickly interrupted by little pitter patters from someone who was supposed to still be sleeping.


I feel stuck.


I love my child more than anything in this world. But that is part of my dilemma, more than anything in this world includes me.


I love my child more than me.


I've always got her back, but who has mine?


Unfortunately I still don't have an answer to that, other than to say, it's complicated.


We all have friends and family. But no matter a person's title or role in your life, you are not guaranteed to their care...


...and perhaps they are not guaranteed to your vulnerability.


As a person who has encountered her fair share of traumatic events...as I'm sure most of us have...womp womp...I am hesitant about leaving my child with 'just anyone'.


Translation: I refuse to leave my child with people who are not family and as a single mom that means if my mother is not available, then no one can watch my child.


So what's my game plan you ask?


Time.


I am literally counting down the days and years to when my daughter won't need me as much as she does now. That will mean I have a little more in my cup for me.


Is this a solid game plan?


Obviously not.


I know this, but do you have a better idea?



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