Two years into the rollercoaster that is motherhood, I've learned that one thing you can always count on are the waterworks. Anytime, anywhere and for any reason.
Tonight I asked my loved ones if I could sneak out of the house to attend a poetry event.
No one was available...
Typical.
These people have their own lives? Why should they help me with mine?
My response?
I cried
Like a teenage girl who was told she couldn't go out on a school night, I sobbed in my bedroom with the door closed and used my hands to muffle my displeasure.
*Insert crying Jerry meme here*
Don't worry, It's totally okay to laugh at my pain, I do it all the time.
Anyways. I felt silly. The truth is, the tears didn't come because I couldn't go to the poetry event.
The tears came because I couldn't go to the poetry event, I can't go to the upcoming Halloween party I was invited to, this morning I finally had the motivation to go for a run but was quickly interrupted by little pitter patters from someone who was supposed to still be sleeping.
I feel stuck.
I love my child more than anything in this world. But that is part of my dilemma, more than anything in this world includes me.
I love my child more than me.
I've always got her back, but who has mine?
Unfortunately I still don't have an answer to that, other than to say, it's complicated.
We all have friends and family. But no matter a person's title or role in your life, you are not guaranteed to their care...
...and perhaps they are not guaranteed to your vulnerability.
As a person who has encountered her fair share of traumatic events...as I'm sure most of us have...womp womp...I am hesitant about leaving my child with 'just anyone'.
Translation: I refuse to leave my child with people who are not family and as a single mom that means if my mother is not available, then no one can watch my child.
So what's my game plan you ask?
Time.
I am literally counting down the days and years to when my daughter won't need me as much as she does now. That will mean I have a little more in my cup for me.
Is this a solid game plan?
Obviously not.
I know this, but do you have a better idea?
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